Here's something interesting

[diane]

I lost my father three years ago to Alzheimer's.  Immediately after, my mother moved to assisted living, and then to a nursing home.  Meanwhile, we left our little house and wonderful neighbors and moved to my mom's house.  We lost the kids' school, our church, and our friends; we even lost our grocery store and our neighborhood park.  We had to put two dogs to sleep. 

That was the first year.

This past summer, my brother-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died seven weeks later.  Seven weeks after that, my mother died.  She had Alzheimer's, too.  At the end, she was so agitated and out of control that she was on both Risperdal and Ativan every hour.  I finally made the decision to have her drugged so she rested, knowing full well that she would end up not eating or drinking and would eventually pass away.

The past two months, I have been going through the normal grief process, including anger and denial.  However, I have had some unusual symptoms, too, which I have since found out were normal, like being really aware of my heartbeat.  I have had panic attacks, and am taking Xanax for those.  Today in church, the priest talked about forgiving ourselves, and I started to cry.  I realized I felt guilty, and I couldn't say why. 

I looked over at the munchkin, twitching and picking himself, and I realized that he probably feels the same way a good deal of the time.  All that emotion, and no idea why.  And he has no idea what "normal" feels like. 

For me, a revelation.

[justine]

Oh my, Diane.   No wonder you are "aware of your heartbeat"....you have been through so much.    I am glad you can see a bit into the heart/mind of your son, even if only briefly, and share for a moment some of his angst.    These are very very stressful events, even if you think you are coping well.   Sometimes the body deals for us, and it takes awhile for it all to catch up to our minds.    Hope you are taking good care of yourself!   

[karleen]

((((((((((((((((((((diane))))))))))))))))))))  I so wish I could reach through cyber-space and give you real hugs, and a real sholder to cry on.  What a difficult and sad 3 years you have had.  I pray you are doing your best to take care of yourself.

What a great God we have, that He can use our grief and pain to show us something we need to see about someone else.  Sounds like you have a precious insight into your ds.  I pray this will in some way help you to touch his heart.

[Truebluemom]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Diane))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Praying for you and hoping that you begin some years of joyful blessings.

[MaKettle]

(((((((((((((((((((diane))))))))))))))))))

So very sorry for your losses.

[Jeannie]

Hugs from here, too, Diane.  (((((((((((((())))))))))))))

Please know that we care.  Thanks for sharing the insight about your DS.  You're a good mom, and a good friend to us here.  I have been helped countless times by the things you share.  Thanks!

[ellasmom]

I have nothing more to offer than (((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))

[maeve]

Of course I also send (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).  More importantly I'm amazed by your insight and empathy for your son.  I didn't make that connection a few years ago when I had a similarly crazy life.  I wish I'd made it then, but thank you for giving me one more reason to try to "get it" for my girl.  Panic attacks are terrible things; I hated them.  And I think you're right, these kids feel like this a lot of the time.  Trauma is a terrible thing as well. 

[mcguigak]

Wow!  How insightful.  Interesting that you got that revelation in church.  I think those times are little messages from God.  He knows what we need and when. 

I am also so sorry you have been thru all of that.  I think about this Bible verse often when things are their hardest:

These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.   1 Peter 1:7
I too sometimes see in my kids just how lost they are when we react with feeling and they cannot.  It is incredibly sad.  I often think that some of the hurt they cause is because they cannot stand to see that in us and mad is so much easier than sad for them.