Grief and Loss

[momof3]

Thank you blessings!  Have an blessed day!   

[blessingsindisguise]

momof3,

I am having a blessed day.

And you are very welcome.

blessings

[maeve]

Chronic sorrow:  oh,  perfect description. 

I'm the mom of two RADult kids who are now out of communication, one for five years and one for a year or so.  I'm also the mom of the RADult dd's first child.  So she hasn't communicated with her own dd for a year. 

I have two bio kids who act like my kids:  they are in their forties.  So I know how adult kids are "supposed" to be. 

I continue to grieve the RADult children.  They came at 2 and 4 and were MY children.  But I wasn't THEIR mom.  I will never be their mom. 

My DH died five years ago, so I know about grieving.  But grieving is different if the person who died left the earth unwillingly.  My RADult kids left my family willingly.  They dont care if they ever see me again.  In fact, they'd rather not, I believe.  Chronic sorrow!!!  Although I must admit I'm trying very hard just to forget I ever knew them.  It makes life easier.  Sadlyl, it's impossible. 

[bijou]

Very well said, Maeve.

Do you have any relationship with the other grandchildren of your RADults?  I would like to have an idea of how the future is going to look.

Bijou

[Geertje]

It's so unnatural, it goes against everything I believe in, the way they tread us, like we are air, nonexcisting :BangHead:but even so we get the blame stupid, idioot, to crazy for words
We haven't seen ds for 8 months and he is every day on my mind, but still peeping in on my Hyves account, but not speaking to me, his girlfriend in the same, she asked again if (on e-mail) if she could get acces again on Hyves, but when I asked her why and why she wouldn't answer my honest questions( how it was wirh her feet, she was appearently wounded) I wrote her that thats not the way to tread people and that we welcomed her in our house, went out with her and ds to a centreparc, we helped her with moving, but I didn't got a answer and that that was hurting:angry9: unpolite, rude etc.etc.
I wish their was a forgetfulness pil, I would take it, it feels like I wasted my time, effort, health, and I lost my trust in people.
Geertje

[Truebluemom]

Geertje - I feel your pain and frustration.  Each new insult is such a fresh wound.  So sorry for your pain! 

I have been noticing lately that I seem so much more negative than I used to be.  I'm not sure if it's a natural consequence of dealing with the ongoing grief of RAD or the consequence of choosing to allow myself to give in to that grief.  It's probably a blend of both.  Somehow RAD should not define me, but my experience of dealing with RAD needs to be defined by my understanding of who I am in Christ.  I'm still working on it.

[momof3]

Maeve, you did what you could for those RADults when they were little ones.  It came time for them to leave the nest, and they left.  But you gave their wings strength to fly.  They grew into adults because of you.   If they refuse to acknowlege that, it is to their loss.  Maybe one morning they will wake up and see you for who you really are - a kind, caring person who gave them your best.  You did not grow weary in well doing.

Perhaps it would help to focus on the children who do know how to act and respond to you in love.  Bask in the joy of their love and leave the rest to God who sees everything.  With Him, no good deed goes unnoticed.


 Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. (KJV)

[rapunzel44]

I an reading this book on the brain - The Brain That Changes Itself - most interesting.

In it, it says that in order to grieve properly we have to go through memories and sort of "undo "them, one by one, letting go.

I feel this is something I need to do. I am so much angrier at dd since she left, and I am obviously not quite done. So I have to "revisit" and unlearn my synapses firing together in order to let go and look at her just as another person and not feel the hurt every time I think of her, see her, talk to her, or she is mentioned.

[justine]

Interesting thoughts, Rapunzel.  Let us know what you think of the book when you finish, eh?  With her gone, you are "free" to feel the anger you had to suppress often when she lived with you.   Glad to hear you are working thru your hurts.  I hope you feel the pain ease as time passes...

To you and Geertje, i just want you to know, again and again and again.....you are/were a GOOD mom!  (((rapunzel and geertje))))

[V]

Chronic Sorrow-  That's the feeling I've had for years!

Just came back from searching it out and this is what I found.

Chronic Sorrow is a term coined by sociologist Simon Olshanshy to describe the long-term reaction of parents who have a child with a disability. This pervasive reaction is often not recognized or understood by those around the parents--professionals, family and friends. These feelings of chronic sorrow are normal and to be expected and accepted, given the life-long implications for the family and child. 

Many factors can affect the intensity and exhibition of chronic sorrow: the parent's personalities, the severity of the disability, the nature of the disability and the adequacy of support and services provided. 

Chronic sorrow does not mean that the parents don't love or feel pride in their child. These feelings, and many other feelings, exist alongside the sadness. It is as if many threads are woven side by side, bright and dark, in the fabric of the parent's lives. They co-exist; they do not blend into one color, or feeling.   

Because ours is such a "can do" society, there is pressure on parents to quickly put their feelings of sadness away or deny them. Parents are told to "think positively" and "to get on with your lives." They are told that God has "selected" them to receive this special child because they are such strong people. 
These kinds of comments, while well meant, deny the validity or parental long-term grieving. The discomfort of observing pain in those we care about can be part of the reason for such comments from others. 

Grieving, however, is a process that takes time, often years. It's a prickly bush that one must go through, not jump over. However, there are ways to support the process of grieving. Most parents frond support in a community of people who understand because they, too have lived the experience. It is lonely to be the only family on the block with a child with a disability. Being part of a support group or organization helps to combat feelings of isolation. 

Engaging in personal activities that do not center on the family member with a disability can help increase feelings of competency and self-worth. Counseling, especially at times of significant stressful milestones, can be useful. 

Chronic sorrow becomes a permanent part of the personality structure of most parents who have a child with a disability. It's a normal response. Its thread narrows and widens depending on life situations; most often it is accepted with courage. And, although permanent, it is not the dominant force in interactions with our children.   

The dominant forces are love and feelings of connectedness to them. 

(Personally- I would like to add that this last line is probably more for kids who attach normally)

[V]

Since these were long, I wanted to post them separately.

Chronic Sorrow- A Living Loss
by:  Susan Roos

page 154
...
Secondary stress episodes refer to periods when the appraised stress is not as inherently challenging to daily routine and the future (cumulative stress, constancy of reality demands, fatigue, lack of support, emotional reactions to triggers such as developmental milestones which are not achieved when expected, and so on).
   Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder can be observed in some parents of children who are severely incapacitated by autism and also in foster and adoptive parents of children who have attachment disorders caused by trauma, abuse, and severe neglect in infancy.  Without any warning or preparation many foster and adoptive parents of attachment disordered children have found themselves in what has been called a war zone.  The discrepancy between parental hopes and expectations and the reality of a child who believes the new parents are the enemy who will cause him unbearable pain can be devastating.  Having had no basic training for helping their children or themselves, parents can feel abandoned, alienated, deceived, confused, demoralized, and inept.  Adoption Quest (2000, online) indicates that parents of attachment disordered children cannot avoid being adversely affected and that their ongoing stress can threaten their psychological and physical health.
   For these parents the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder include (a) flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and images, (b) feelings of detachment or estrangement from others, (c) restricted range of affect, and (d) increased arousal, such as difficulty sleeping, irritability, angry

page 155 and on could not be found online, but I may just have to go find it at the bookstore!!

[justine]

This is just so helpful, V.   I am copying parts of both to include in the letter to my dd25 with Rad.  Thank you so much.   J

[Don M]

Thanks V

As I read, I kept thinking of a characterisation I heard at a Nancy Thomas seminar.  It was being passed around between parents and therapists, rather than directly from Nancy.

Racoon Eyes --

Parents of these children are often frustrated, overloaded and unable to relax and sleep, when things get bad they develop dark spots under the eyes and when they get really bad, the dark spots circle all the way around the eyes and give a racoon like mask.

This is especially strong when I read:
Secondary stress episodes refer to periods when the appraised stress is not as inherently challenging to daily routine and the future (cumulative stress, constancy of reality demands, fatigue, lack of support, emotional reactions to triggers such as developmental milestones which are not achieved when expected, and so on).

Read the parenthesized part then consider that the sentence is about when it "not as bad".  Not many people can absorb and understand this statement, but the amazing people here can.

[Truebluemom]

Racoon eyes - I've been working to get rid of those....  I do think on the upside, if you can use concealer under the eyes, the upper lid looks like eyeshadow.  Saves time and money!